


Too Far Gone

by Mylifeisactuallyamess



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Description of Injuries, F/M, Fighting, First Order violence, Mention of children, My own story - Freeform, No Rey, No accuracy, Rey does not exist, Secrets, Smut, Swearing, Temple destruction, no Snoke, p in v sex, some very exciting landings, this is my fic, twists, violence against reader and other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29763939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylifeisactuallyamess/pseuds/Mylifeisactuallyamess
Summary: You were there, as a Padawan of Luke’s. You saw what happened to the Temple, buried your friends and mourned everything you had known. You went to start a new life, hide who you were. You got caught up with Smugglers until something made you join the Resistance. You and your best friend Poe Dameron get tied up in some daring missions snooping for intel on the First Order until finally you get caught by Kylo Ren and you realise who he really is.....If you’re looking for accuracy you will not find it here! I am following my own story.
Relationships: Sith!Kylo x Female Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Your lightsabers clashed together, the white and blue connecting with a shower of sparks, the noise of their crackling drowned everything else out. The crossed sabers lit up his brown eyes as they grew wide in shock and you felt a thrill. You were winning. You had him flat on his back, both hands on his weapon as he blocked you, your arms began to shake from the strain but you wouldn’t give in, not for a second. 

Then something changed, a cold sensation trickled down your spine, like someone had lazily run a finger down it. The shock in his eyes disappeared and was replaced with something else, they flashed and you swear they looked red in the reflecting light. With a yell he heaved you off him with the sheer might of his massive frame and the Force. It blasted you full on in the chest and you spun with the momentum ending up on the floor, your saber deactivated as it rolled away from you. The heat from the blue saber was at your cheek and you flinched, he wouldn’t? You were just training, and he had clearly bested you again. 

‘Padawan, put your saber down.’ You rolled over staring at the point of the laser blade as he stood over you. 

‘Ben….’ the sound of your voice seemed to bring him out of whatever trance he was in and you were relieved to hear the blade retracting, to be replaced with his hand. You gratefully accepted and he pulled you up grinning, his dark hair fell into his eyes and he subconsciously flicked it to the side. 

‘Good fight?’ His deep voice was low and soothing and you couldn’t help but smile back.

‘You had me going there for a second,’ you said punching his shoulder gently. A look crossed his face, a fleeting shadow but you were sure it was a trick of the dimming light. 

‘That concludes today’s training session, I suggest you all get some rest.’ You and the rest of the Padawans bowed as Master Luke left the group. Talk erupted around you, yours and Ben’s fights always drew the attention of every other person at the temple because you were the only one to even come close to defeating him. You never did, but you came close. You looked at his broad retreating back and you couldn’t help but think something had been different today. You shook off the others making some excuse and you jogged after Ben as he slipped into the trees. You paused, you knew how much of a solitary person he was but the cold sensation was something new and it needed to be talked about. You made sure you weren’t being followed before vanishing into the woodland after him. 

It was dark and you were being so loud it was no surprise that he found you, grabbing your shoulders as you stumbled blindly. 

‘Why are you out here?’ He shoved you slightly as he released you, the accusing tone in his voice made you hesitate.

‘Why are  _ you _ out here?’ He sighed as you defensively repeated his question back at him. 

‘Come on,’ he grabbed your hand and led you through the trees, picking the safest path for you both with ease until you happened upon a clearing. You thought it was a clearing until Ben stopped you walking any further. You gasped at the sheer drop just below your feet as you disturbed the earth and it trickled away into the void. ‘Steady,’ he murmured. Your eyes drank everything in, the dark sky was littered with glittering stars and the huge red surface of Yavin Prime loomed in the horizon. The sea of trees stretched out below you like a green carpet and you watched them ripple in the strong breeze that whipped the hair back from your face. 

‘Ben this is beautiful.’ 

‘I meditate here,’ he pulled you down and you sat cross legged next to him, your hands on your knees as you looked over the nature filled scene before you. ‘I’ve been coming here a while, I’ve always wanted to show you but I didn’t think you’d come.’ You looked down as his fingers tentatively brushed against yours, you turned your hand over exposing the palm and you shivered as your hands clasped together. You often connected this way but it felt different, you turned to look at him to find his brown eyes already staring at you. They burned with an intensity you hadn’t seen before, something shifted inside you and you wriggled slightly your knees knocking his, the contact sent little shivers down your spine. 

‘I would have come.’ Your voice was soft as your eyes roamed over his face taking in his plush lips, the freckles that dotted his broad features and the way his soft eyes looked intently at you. ‘You can trust me Ben.’ The wind blew again and you reached to tuck his hair behind his ear, slowly you trailed a finger down the ridge, they were as soft as you imagined. Ben’s hand rose to copy your movements, his hand trembled slightly as he dragged your hair away from your face. You wanted to kiss him  _ desperately _ , but it was forbidden. You chewed your lower lip in frustration, Ben’s eyes were drawn to the motion and he gently swiped his thumb over your mouth. His lips parted as his breath hitched, you shifted slightly your knees knocking his again both your hands gripped each other tightly as you tensed your hand on the side of his face. His large hand covered your cheek, his fingers digging into your hair and you had to bite back a moan at the sensation. 

‘Ben…’ it was barely a whisper but his name dropping from your lips shifted something in him, he pulled your face to his and you clashed together, your hot mouths teasing each other. He groaned loudly, his mouth open against your skin as you fisted your fingers in his dark hair. Both your eyes were shut as your chests heaved the tension building between you as you both realised you shouldn’t be doing this. But the ache between your legs clouded your judgement, you needed him. All of him. 

Before you could react his hands grabbed you pulling you onto his lap, your lips connected awakening a feverish need in you both, his large hands spread across your back as he pressed you against the expanse of his broad chest, your hands clutched his face your tongues sliding over each other with lustful intent. Quickly, his hands undid your robes before working his open to allow your feverish naked skin to meet. It was better than you had ever imagined as you ran your hands over his muscles, his hands explored you, gently squeezing your breasts causing you to gasp into his mouth, his hips bucking up into you. His breathing was loud in your ears as he slipped a hand into the waistband of your pants, at first he was hesitant until you whined and ground against him urging him to touch you. You heard his breath catch as he felt your slick for the first time, his long fingers exploring every inch of you. He listened to the noises you made so he knew where the best place to touch you was, and then he found your opening. The moan ripped from your throat as you sunk onto his fingers, your walls fluttering and gripping him tightly. He expelled a loud breath as you writhed against him wanting more from him and demanding he give it to you. 

The air rushed out of your lungs as he pushed you off him and onto the ground, his heavy frame pinning you down as he lay his entire length on top of you. You could feel his hardness as he pushed into the soft flesh of your inner thigh a moan rumbling out of his chest as his hands smoothed the hair away from your face. You spread your legs and you almost sobbed when the hardness of his cock nudged against your core. You were burning, and he was the only one who could satisfy you. Your rolled your hips and he murmured something against your mouth as he tugged at your pants.

‘What?’ You panted, pulling away from him. His eyes were dark as they stared at you. 

‘I said off. I want you naked right now.’ You clenched at the gruffness in his voice, a deep gravel tinged with lust, his movements sure and swift as he stripped you, leaving you bare to his roaming gaze. He took a breath to steady himself as he shed his own robes, you couldn’t take your eyes off him as he knelt above you, his hair falling into his eyes, the light of the night bathing him with an ethereal glow. 

He came back to you with a huff, his arms caging you in as he kissed your neck and collarbone slowly, each nip and lick he gave you sent your fever to new heights. You reached down and grabbed his length in your hand, his eyes fluttered at the contact and he tensed as he watched you wearily, you wondered if anyone had ever been this close to him or if it was just you he trusted enough. It was in that moment you realised you loved him, this man hovering above you baring himself fully to you. 

‘Ben,’ you needed to tell him, he had to know how you felt but the words wouldn’t come. Slowly his hips lowered, the tip of his cock pushing against your wet folds sending a jolt up your body. He didn’t hesitate, he pushed himself inside you, splitting you on him as he gently sheathed himself. You felt so full, every movement you made sent bolts of pleasure coursing through you. You raised your legs up either side of his hips, your hands sliding down to knead the soft flesh of his backside. You felt like you couldn’t breath as he slowly dragged himself back out, his eyes watching you the whole time, his hand cupping the top of your head as he rested on his elbows. You arched your back at the feeling of emptiness down below. Your eyes rose to meet his as he whispered your name, you cried out as he pounded back into you, your head rolling on the floor as the feeling of pure bliss flooded your body. 

He set a relentless pace, grunting softly with the exertion as he worked hard to bring you to the point of no return. Your mouth opened wide as you tried to drag fresh air into your lungs but your entire body was tensing as you felt the build up low in your belly.

His hot mouth sucked on your nipple and you twitched against him, you could feel the edges of your orgasm as it hurtled towards you, slamming into your body with a loud cry. He shoved his fingers in your mouth to muffle your noises as he worked you through, your walls gripped him tightly and you felt him falter in his pace as he too found his release, painting your insides with his warm fluid as it gushed from him with a shout. He lazily finished inside you, his mouth sloppily kissing you as he came back to himself. You wrapped your arms around each other as you lay together on the edge of a cliff under the bright night sky. The breeze whispered over your naked bodies as you both drifted off to sleep, you felt happy. You had no idea what would happen next, maybe you’d have to leave the Order. You wouldn’t let Ben give up his studies, he was a Skywalker after all it was in his blood. The last thing you remembered before you drifted off was Ben’s steady breathing as he lay on your chest, your fingers tracing the curl of his ear, his dark hair brushing against your fingertips and you felt peace. 

You stretched out on your open robes wincing at the feel of rocks and sticks in your back. You frowned, what were you doing outside? Memories of last night flooded back to you as you felt the dull ache between your legs.  _ Ben _ . You turned to find him but you were alone. The sky was grey and you shivered as the wind picked up around you, why were you alone? He wouldn’t just up and leave you? Not after last night. Maybe he went to go and talk to Master Luke. You quickly got redressed and picked some twigs out of your hair before making your way back to the temple. 

The smell was the first thing you noticed, your nose wrinkled and you wondered why they had started a bonfire, smoke weaved through the trees and you realised this was no normal bonfire. You burst from the woodland, fires littered the ground as all the huts you and your fellow Padawans had lived in lay strewn all over the floor. Trepidation seized you as you saw Master Luke’s temple was completely ablaze, the flames roared up as the roof collapsed spewing sparks into the sky. Your mouth was open in horror as you tried to comprehend the scene before you, nothing could have prepared you for the destruction surrounding you. 

‘Ben…BEN!’ Smoke made your throat feel scratchy and you began to cough, tears streamed down your eyes as they stung viciously. You used the Force, it came easily to you in your moment of pure panic as you looked for the man you loved and anyone else who might have survived. You heaved debris aside, put out fires and searched with your feelings, but you felt nothing. You found nothing. You approached the Temple, the heat from the fire stopping you getting too close and you wondered who could do such a thing, who would hate the Jedi that much. 

You wept, you wept for your lost friends, for your Master and for Ben. You wept until you had no more left to give. The fire still burned in the Temple destroying all the precious artifacts that Master Luke had spent so long searching for and collecting. The history of the Jedi wiped out in one swift blow. 

You spent hours digging holes to bury your lost friends, you couldn’t leave them here for the predators to find. You started with Grogu, his tiny body was light in your hands as you laid him gently in the ground, his large ears sagged and a sob ripped your chest as you shovelled the dirt in covering him up. You repeated the process, every single one of these people you buried you had known. Ben was not among them even though you had searched high and low, except you hadn’t searched the Temple. He must have been in there with Master Luke, talking to him about you. You couldn’t shift the heavy feeling of guilt as it weighed on you. If you hadn’t given in last night, if it had never happened they’d both still be here. You could have prevented the attack together, as Jedi. You watched the flames twist and turn and you knew there was only one person you could trust now. But you had to find him first. With a heavy heart you grabbed a bag of everything you had managed to salvage, it wasn’t much but it was enough for now. You turned your back on the smouldering Temple, you turned your back on everything you had known and a life you had planned for and headed into the unknown.


	2. Chapter 2

15 years later. 

Your boots rested on the control panel of the YV-100 light freighter as it sped through hyperspace, you weren’t sure how you’d got pulled into this spice run but you were bored and you were up for anything that stuck it to the First Order. This run was to go straight through the blockade at Kijimi and be dropped off with Zorii on the planet, then it wasn’t your problem anymore. You heard the boots ring out on the bridge behind you and you spun your chair round to face him. 

‘I don’t like that look Dameron, what now?’ He sighed as he threw himself into the copilots seat.

‘I’ve just got a bad feeling about this.’ 

‘We can’t have doubts now! You said this would go smoothly!’ He grimaced as he rubbed his face leaning the chair back as he did so. 

‘I did but the First Order are boarding more and more ships checking their cargo.’

‘Oh fuck Dameron, if we get caught with this…!’ 

‘I know I know!’ He stood up, frustration etched all over his expression. ‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ 

‘So let’s dump and run.’ You stood up and spun him to face you. ‘Listen, I’m just here for a joy ride if we get caught...well I cannot get caught I’ve got responsibilities.’ 

‘Yeah I know, I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner,’ he said softly. You sighed, in truth you had already known he was getting fed up with this, he’d been doing less and less smuggling since he had made friends with some folk from the Resistance, you were pretty sure Zorii and pushed him to do this run and that’s why he brought you along. You sat back down in the pilot's seat as the proximity warning started going off. 

‘First Order starships straight ahead, it’s now or never Dameron.’ Your hand hovered over the cargo hatch ready to release it any second. 

_ ‘Yv light freighter you are entering First Order controlled space, what is your cargo and destination?’  _ You hit the comm button. 

‘Oh hello, I think we’re going to just turn around, sorry to have bothered you!’ 

_ ‘Yv light freighter your attitude will not be tolerated, prepare to be boarded.’  _

‘Dump it. Run,’ Poe’s voice was low as he stared at the starship before you.

‘You sure?’ He didn’t answer, instead he leant over and pushed the button, the cargo falling out of the hold. 

_ ‘Yv light freighter, you are releasing your cargo, close the hold and prepare to be boarded.’ _

‘Yeah no thanks! Keep it!’ You pulled the ship around as Poe began to prime the hyperdrive. 

‘They’re targeting us.’ He warned.

‘Yeah yeah just get that hyperdrive on.’ 

‘Get us out of range!’ He yelled.

‘I’m going I’m going! Is it ready yet?!’ You shouted back as adrenaline shot through you. 

‘Punch it!’ You pushed the lever and felt a sense of relief as the smooth white lights of hyperspace swallowed you up. You both slumped into your seats laughing nervously at the near miss. 

‘They nearly had us,’ you groaned your hands over your face as you tried to calm the hysterical laughter bubbling out of you.

‘I know! Fuck what a rush!’

‘Not a good one Poe, fuck sake that was too close.’ He shrugged, that mischievous look crossing his face as he eyed you. ‘Stop it.’ 

‘Oh come on, we’ve had good times, why can’t we have some now?’ You rolled your eyes as he slid closer to you. You couldn’t deny you and Poe had in the past had some  _ very _ good times, but you didn’t want to go there again. You placed a hand over his face and shoved him away, smiling as he cursed loudly. 

‘I said no.’ He pouted as you grinned at him. ‘You’ll have to get your kicks elsewhere.’ 

‘You’re such a tease.’ He grumbled. 

‘Anyway, where are we off to?’ His face grew serious as he debated what to do next. The Spice Runners would be after him so really all he had now was the Resistance. ‘Do you know how to contact them?’ 

‘Yeah, let’s get back to Yavin 4. I should probably visit Dad before I go.’ 

‘Yeah, sure thing,’ you said softly. Yavin 4 held a lot of memories for you both but that wasn’t what worried you. It was who was staying with Kes that made your heart flutter randomly in your chest. Poe cast a look at you knowing what you were feeling. 

‘You can just drop me off…’ he suggested..

‘No, he’d never forgive me if I didn’t drop in.’ Poe sat back in his seat but you knew exactly what he was thinking,  _ he probably won’t forgive you for dropping in either.  _

Poe slowed the speeder down as he approached his fathers house and you felt apprehensive, wondering what mood you were going to find them both in. Surprise visits usually never went down well. 

‘You ready?’

‘As ready as I’ll ever be Dameron.’ You dismounted looking up at the house, you felt torn. It had been months since you’d stopped here, it just got easier and easier to  _ not _ come back.  _ God you were a shit _ …..the front door opened interrupting your thoughts, Kes stood there as he watched you both approach, he grinned slightly and you gave him a hug before moving aside and letting Poe greet his father. 

‘He’s upstairs,’ his kind eyes held a warning and you nodded in acknowledgment before slipping into the house. It was dark as you stood at the bottom of the stairs, your foot on the first step ready to go up. But you couldn’t. You sighed, hating on yourself as you retreated to the garden. The fauna was bright and vibrant in the sunlight and you walked around trying to find some semblance of peace, but honestly you hadn’t felt peace for 15 years. 

The Force tree given to the Damerons by Master Luke stood tall and proud in the centre of the garden, it’s golden leaves waved in a silent breeze, one only the tree could feel. The trunk was covered in twisted patterns of gold and brown, the longer you stared the more you saw within the pattern. You reached for it, wanting to connect but instead you curled your fist and withdrew. You heard laughter drift from the open windows and you smiled, you were pleased Poe had chosen a better path, spice running wasn’t for him and with the threat of the First Order growing everyday it needed people like Leia Organa to make noise. Maybe you could join…? You tossed thought away as soon as it formed, you may not visit very often but you couldn’t leave Yavin 4 for good. You couldn’t risk falling into enemy hands, if they learnt who you were or who  _ he _ was….

‘I see you are gracing me with your presence this cycle.’ His voice had dropped you realised with a start and again the guilt crowded you. You turned, it never ceased to amaze you how much he looked like his father. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t spend a lot of time with him, the memories….

‘So, what have you been up to?’ You asked ignoring the haughty tone he spoke to you with.

‘Like you care.’ 

‘Hey, watch your tongue.’ His face twisted in anger as you squared off before him. 

‘You can’t tell me what to do anymore.’

‘I am tired of fighting with you Kol.’

‘Well it’s all you do when you do visit! Do me a favour and don’t bother anymore.’

‘You don’t mean that?’ He smirked, his brown eyes were laced with disgust as he looked at you.

‘You don’t even know me. I don’t know why you bother.’ You looked at his retreating back feeling like he’d just smacked you across the face. Your temper flared and you lashed out at a plant next to you, the flower head slowly slid off the stem and landed with a soft thud on the ground. You hated that he had this effect on you, the way how he had just the right words to create an absolute maelstrom inside you. You stared up at the red gas giant in the sky, slightly hazy today as the clouds spread thinly across the sky. A fresh breeze tickled your bare arms, maybe there was nothing for you here, not anymore. You took one last look at the stunning scenery before going into the house, the sound of a ship reached your ears and you realised, your ride was here. 

Poe did not seem surprised when you told him you were coming, Kol hadn’t acknowledged your words at all, he stood by the window watching the transport as it landed not too far from the house. You saw some people get off, one was a woman, her beautiful hair was worn long down her back, she had kind deep brown eyes, eyes so much like…...

‘Leia came?! Leia  _ Skywalker _ ?’ You tried to contain the fear but there was an edge of panic to your voice. Poe’s eyes flickered to Kol, only he knew who his father was and true to his word he had not told a soul that single piece of information. Kes shrugged not knowing what the big deal was as she was a family friend of the Damerons and Kol didn’t even turn at the sound of your voice. 

‘Come on let’s meet them outside.’ Poe grabbed your arm and shoved you out the door. ‘Calm yourself down, she won’t stay long,’ he hissed in your ear but you were shaking, if she saw Kol, if she recognised him his life would be over. Suddenly you didn’t think this was a good idea but it was too fucking late. 

Leia hugged Poe gushing about how she was pleased he’d decided to join them finally. You stepped forward and introduced yourself shaking her hand and avoiding her eyes. 

‘It’s a pleasure to join your service General Organa.’ You said staring at the bridge of her nose. 

‘We are very happy to have you, we could always use more pilots and Poe spoke very highly of you.’ 

‘Well he is one of the best. I’d trust his judgement.’ You said nudging his arm. 

‘Leia!’ You silently cursed as Kes made his way out of the house to greet his old friend, you looked over your shoulder and saw Kol standing by the window. His arms were crossed, his eyes glared intently at you hating on you. You had made many mistakes regarding that boy, but keeping him had not been one of them. The best thing you could do was leave him, let him live his life peacefully here on Yavin 4. Maybe you could come back once the war was over, you softly snorted to yourself. Once it was over, the war had barely begun. You heard farewells being said and you slowly lifted a hand to wave at Kol, he didn’t wave back he shot one more dark look at you before disappearing. You hugged Kes goodbye, asking him to look after your boy, he just nodded and you ran to hop onto the transport. Poe slipped an arm round your waist and gave you a quick reassuring squeeze as the ground dropped away from below you. You carried on watching until the house was a tiny speck on the ground and still you wondered if you made the right choice. 

You listened as Poe and Leia chatted the whole way to the base, you were envious of how easily he fitted in everywhere he went but then he didn’t have the emotional load that you did. You placed a hand on the transparisteel feeling the coldness from the black seep into your skin, you concentrated letting it anchor you to the moment. The ship fell out of hyperspace and you looked at the millions of stars peppering the wide expanse around you. This new venture terrified you and you didn’t even know why you were here? Because your 15 year old son hated you? What a great reason to get pulled into a war. 

Leia had someone show you to a room which you would both be sharing, it didn’t bother you. You’d seen your fair share of Poe in your lifetime plus you were pretty sure you wouldn’t be spending much time in here anyway. You stared at your bag, you could feel the need to pull it out, your fingers twitched as you longed to hold your saber. It had been such a long time since you did any training, always hiding yourself from everyone around you in case the information fell into the wrong hands. Any saber these days were unique and easily spotted. You had always felt like a failure because yours had no colour, Master Luke had poured over books and went searching for artifacts all to help his students but nothing had related to a white saber, he had simply said it was attuned to you. Or maybe you just weren’t destined to be a Jedi. Well you weren’t one were you? Some Padawan with a few years training behind you, lost skills and a weak connection to the Force. 

‘Hey you ok? Not regretting it are you?’ Poe’s voice pierced your thoughts and you withdrew your hand from the bag. 

‘No, no regrets. I think anyway.’ He sat next to you putting a hand on your back. 

‘Somethings bothering you?’ You smiled slightly, he really had no idea. 

‘I just upped and left my son, for a war that hasn’t even started, for a war that doesn’t really affect me, I don’t really know what I’m doing here except for a hot headed decision made in a moment of pain.’ His expression grew serious. 

‘This war will affect everyone in the Galaxy. Are you telling me that you will never come across a First Order ship? They won’t take you into custody even though you weren’t doing anything wrong? The reports of abuse from prisoners is the same story over and over again. Are you telling me if they capture you they won’t find him? They won’t learn about you?’ You knew he was right, and you hated when he spoke sense. 

‘If they capture me as a Resistance pilot they will be more likely to torture me.’ 

‘No, because you can’t fly anything like I can they’ll be too busy trying to shoot me down.’ You shoved him playfully, grateful at his attempt to lighten the mood.

‘I wouldn’t wish for that though.’ 

‘No, no I guess you’re right.’ He gripped your hand tightly. ‘I will do whatever I can to protect you, if we tell Leia…’

‘NO!’ It came out louder than you wanted but you couldn’t tell Leia anything, especially this. ‘If we tell Leia, if she learns of my background...of her  _ grandson… _ .’ Poe shook his head slightly.

‘You are keeping family apart. I don’t agree with it. The boy has already lost his father and let’s face it, he barely has you…’

‘Get out.’ Your voice sliced through his ramblings and silence greeted you as Poe realised he had overstepped. He didn’t say anything else he just left, he knew better right now. You clenched your fists as you felt the anger rise, he was right  _ again _ . You both knew it, you just didn’t want to accept it. After the destruction of the Temple and the loss of Master Luke and Ben you had found Poe and moved in with him and his father until you gave birth. The birth had been difficult and at the first opportunity you had, you ran away. You got caught up with Poe and the Spice Runners just to take your mind off everything that had happened but you couldn’t bury it for long. The guilt had eaten you up and Poe had talked you into going back, but Kol suddenly was up and walking not knowing who you were crying every time you went near him. You left again making sure you came back every few months but the bond was already broken between you. You never gave up but he only ever tolerated your presence, he’d never look at you as his mother. 

You flexed your wrist and the hilt of your saber flew to your hand, it vibrated slightly as you gripped it and the crystal called to you but you shut it out. It was too risky, you shouldn’t have even brought it with you but the idea of parting with it physically hurt you. Slowly you returned it to your bag and shoved it under your bunk as far as it would go. As you rose the door opened and you looked at Poe standing there awkwardly, before he could say anything you ran to him and wrapped your arms around him. He enveloped you, resting his head on top of yours. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbled.

‘Don’t be, you were right.’

‘Didn’t mean it needed saying.’

‘Well, maybe this time it did.’ You both stood there accepting each other’s company, you had known each other a long time and you were best friends, Poe’s friendship was one you cherished. 

‘Come on, Leia is briefing all the new recruits.’ He opened the door his arm around your shoulders as he led you out, just before the door shut your eyes were drawn to the bag under your bunk, it called to you louder than before…...you really shouldn’t have brought it. 

You stood eyeing the tall human on the holotable, he looked smart but he had a sour pinched expression on his face. 

‘This is General Hux.’

‘He looks kind of pasty,’ Poe nudged you as his whisper was followed by a wave of light laughter from the other recruits. 

‘Don’t be fooled by his appearance he is a dangerous man,’ said Leia. The image changed again this time you studied the image with interest, he was tall the hologram had him in a fighting stance. Feet spread apart his hands before him in an aggressive manner but it was the mask that drew your attention. Leia’s voice dimmed out as you stared, a cold sensation trickled down your back, everything dropped away from you until she said his name. 

_ Kylo Ren _ . 

Poe nudged you making some comment about how ridiculous his outfit was but you didn’t think the same, if the image of him made you feel dread like this, what was he like in person?

You came out of the briefing your mind reeling with all the new information you had been given. You had no idea the First Order’s reach was so long already, thankfully Leia was fighting for the backing of the New Republic, if she succeeded the Resistance stood some semblance of a chance. As new recruits you were assigned a squadron, you waved at Poe as he disappeared with his group and you tried to concentrate on your Leader as he got a feel for his new squad. Today was going to be a long day. 

By the time you were allowed back to your room you were exhausted. Dropping onto your bunk with a loud sigh you were grateful Poe wasn’t back yet. You knew how excited he was about all this and he’d be talking all night if you let him. The flight suit was more comfortable than you thought except the life support pack on the front was bulky, you should really take it off before you succumbed to sleep.

_ You watched as the sparks drifted away from the top of the flames, floating up into the dark before winking out of existence. You felt calm, the warmth of the fire spreading through you meeting the glow of the light inside you. You loved it here at the Temple, the Force flowed freely here and you tapped into it easily. Master had called you gifted, the only one to rival you was Ben. Your eyes rose as figures approached from the other side of the fire, your arms automatically opened as you welcomed Grogu into your lap, his big dark eyes blinking sleepily as he settled against you. Ben laughed as he shoved Tai, they sat down joining you amongst the warmth their faces lit up by the flickering flames. Ben’s hand brushed against your knee as he carried on talking to the others, it was purely accidental. Or so you thought until he turned to look at you his brown eyes reflecting the twisting flames and you felt yourself being drawn in. You were falling into him, your body awakened by his touch as his hands explored you. You whispered his name, your eyes closing in bliss as his warm body covered yours. _

_ The sound of a lightsaber jolted you upright and you screamed, no noise reached your ears apart from the crackling of the unstable blade before your eyes, the crossguard hilt was held by a gloved hand but you needed to see a face. Why couldn't you see a face?  _

_ Fire raged around you burning your skin as you scrabbled to get away from the red blade, the smoke distorted everything else from your vision and your lungs burned as you tried to catch a breath.  _

_ ‘I will find you.’ A voice whispered in your mind and you flinched as the red blade plunged towards you, but it wasn’t hot. It was cold, cold and silver as it struck your white saber. The noise they made was mind numbing as the beskar refused to break under the heat of your blade. ‘I know you’re out there…’ you looked up into the silver helmet, a helmet you knew so well.  _

Your hand grabbed whatever you could reach as you pulled yourself out of the dream. They connected with something and you held on slowly coming back to yourself, Poe was whispering to you as he gripped you. He had pulled you out of so many nightmares you had lost count and sometimes you felt guilty for the burden you had placed on him. This was your baggage to carry, not anyone else’s.

‘You ok?’ You nodded against his shoulder breathing in his familiar scent, now mixed with the smell of his new cockpit. ‘That was a big one. Want to talk about it?’ 

‘No, it was a blur really,’ you lied quietly. 

‘Sure? It just seemed — more.’ 

‘What makes you say that?’ You pulled away from him as he grabbed your wrist that had been dangling over the edge of the bed and as you looked you felt the cool hilt clenched tightly in your hand. ‘Oh.’ Your lightsaber was thrumming quietly as the white light lit up the entire room, you shut it off before anyone could see the light filtering under your door. ‘Did I hurt you?’ 

‘No, you were just holding it, I did think twice about coming near you but I couldn’t leave you crying.’ Your other hand touched your face feeling the wetness on your cheeks, he was right you’d been crying. 

‘I’m sorry Poe. I’m sorry you have to deal with me.’ 

‘Are you kidding? Who doesn’t love a dangerous lightsaber wielding roomie?’ You smiled slightly at his attempt at humour, this was his default setting. Make everyone jovial and hope the darkness goes away with smiles and laughter. If only it worked. You put the hilt back into the bag tying it closed with a triple knot before shoving it back under the bed. 

‘What time is it?’

‘Time you got undressed and slept properly.’ You didn’t protest as he slipped your life support pack off followed by your flight suit, his motions were soft and gentle and you couldn’t help but want more. You grabbed his hand tugging him towards you and without any words he understood what you needed. He slipped under the covers with you, pressing himself against you as he draped his arm over your waist, his face buried deep in your hair as his other hand stroked your head softly. You had fallen asleep like this so many times it was second nature, he really was the best friend you could ever ask for, you had no idea what you’d do without him.


End file.
